“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY