Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho