Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?