My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
This took me a second..
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Best spot.. 😅
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan