Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Who.
Did.
This?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.