Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]