Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday