Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION