How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
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therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
become ungovernable
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”