me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
wtf is an acronym
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice