A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
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Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.