I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche