co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.