Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.