Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
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me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively