My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor