Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.