Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too