My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows