“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Got him!
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.