Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
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Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Genius idea!!
this is the greatest thing ever
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold