Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Dammit Chief not again
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Become ungovernable.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”