Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
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“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.