Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Okey dokey.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO