Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
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[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.