Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Simple enough.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.