Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.