“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.