Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
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Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.