Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.