‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
i love meeting boys on tinder
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Pikachu found the lost joint
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”