Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
At least my masseuse has my back.