*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I think about this a lot
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM