You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
😂 amazing answer
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.