If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Noah was an idiot.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.