Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
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When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long