My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.