*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.