Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.