[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
it must be school picture day
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process