I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Google Pay be like:
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can