My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes