“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
You Might Also Like
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
The honesty is refreshing
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’