A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
According to math, I’m broke
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[eulogy]
line?
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.