[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!