I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
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Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi