And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
You Might Also Like
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Breaking news:
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that