If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.