Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Sunday
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?