People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
i actually laughed 😩
23. the denim jacket
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.